I Know That Pain
by somewhereinthedreams
Summary: Missing scene from Season 3: Episode 1, B-Positive. Paige goes to see Mike at the hospital after her encounter with Sid.
1. So Far Away

**A/N: I felt like a few scenes were missing from 3x01..I'm not sure if I'll add more to this or not, so that's the only reason this isn't "complete," but considered it finished for now. If I do add more, it'll probably be more canon stuff. If their thoughts seem jumbled, that was intentional. There are two parts to this, but I'm posting them both at the same time.**

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" _When are you gonna go visit Mikey, Paige? Aw, come on, he's in there all alone. He keeps asking for you. Can't you just check in?"_

Charlie's words echoed in Paige's head as she walked down the hospital corridor. The closer she got to his room, the slower she walked, because the last thing she wanted to do was see him. Even if seeing Mike was the one thing she needed. She needed to see him alive and breathing with her own two eyes, to give her some peace of mind, but it was the last thing she deserved. She didn't deserve any sort of solace until she made things right.

The closer Paige got to his room, the guiltier she felt. Mike asked to see her, but she still felt she was using him to quiet the demons in her head. She had no business being here. Mike was _here_ , because of her. Hiding out in a hospital, because she sent Sid to kill him. And Sid succeeded. For six minutes, Sid succeeded and she got what she wanted. What she thought she wanted. Because the moment she realized what she had done, she felt like she couldn't breathe. She lashed out in anger and did something that couldn't be taken back, something she didn't even realize she wanted to take back until she admitted it aloud.

Sid tried choking her earlier, with his wife and kid just a few rooms over. Of course, this was after he sent one of his CIs after her on a motorcycle with a gun. It didn't matter to her if she was collateral damage as long as Sid was caught. That was the only thing that mattered to her. Mike could do to her whatever he wanted. Turn her in. Hate her forever. Whatever he decided was what she deserved. But she needed to catch Sid first.

Fed up waiting around for Sid to make a move, she approached him under the guise of needing to get their stories straight. But all she wanted was for him to slip up. Maybe she even wanted Johnny's trigger finger to slip. If she could taunt Sid into drawing his gun or even into shooting her, they could get him on something. It didn't matter if she got caught up in aftermath. If she went down for what she did, she'd find a way to deal with it. She betrayed Mike, she should pay.

It felt like it had been months since everything happened, but It had barely been two weeks. One minute she had been apologizing to Mike for believing the worst of him and the next he was confirming her worst fears. In a moment of devastation and betrayal, she found herself turning Mike over to his biggest enemy. Once she realized the consequences of what she had done, it was as if she had stopped breathing. Her entire world stopped. It was hours before Briggs came home and he found her staring at her gun, debating if she should just end it all right there. But suicide was a coward's way out.

But maybe that was what she was. Sending another man to do her dirty work, because she couldn't. Because she loved him, but still wanted him dead and she knew she wouldn't be able to look him in the eyes and kill him herself. So instead she sent Sid after Mike and now she had to live with the consequences of her actions.

Paige stopped in front of Mike's hospital room and self-consciously pulled her hair down. She had forgotten to see if there were bruises on her neck and if there were, hopefully her hair would cover them. She pulled down the sleeves of her sweater, not wanting Mike to see the bandages on her arm. She wasn't here to show off her battle wounds in some pathetic attempt to show him that she was trying to avenge him, which was hypocritical because she was the reason why he needed avenging.

She spent nearly an hour picking glass out of her arm and bandaging herself up, refusing Jakes' offer to help or take her to the ER. Her injuries weren't that bad. Besides, the pain she felt was only a fraction of the pain that Mike had endured because of her.

Her hand hovered over the door knob and she stepped back and started pacing up and down the hall. Stopping near his door, she leaned against the wall, trying to gather her bearings. Paige flexed her hands a few times to stop herself from shaking.

Mike wanted to see her. Everyday, he asked for her. Every time someone visited him, she was informed of his request.

" _Mike wants to see you."_

It seemed simple. Only there was nothing simple about it. Mike knew what she did, but she was avoiding him. Because facing him meant she would have to face what she did and she was struggling enough to make it through each day without having a breakdown. How was she supposed to make peace with what she did and see Mike before Sid was handled? She knew it would only make things worse for her, but her comfort level didn't matter. If Mike wanted to see her, she should see him. Mike was less than twenty feet away and she couldn't find the strength to open the door.

For days, everyone, with the exception of Briggs, had been asking her why she wouldn't visit Mike. Everyone thought she was still mad at him for everything they had been through this summer. And on some level she was. She had a right to be angry. Just because she betrayed him in the worst possible way, it didn't erase all of his wrongs. Even if she ignored what they meant to each other, they worked together. Lived together. But he lied to her repeatedly. She wasted so much time and energy searching for a girl he _knew_ was dead. If he had just told her the truth, they could've worked together to shut it down instead of feeling like they were on opposite sides. Instead of letting her distrust build and build, until she couldn't tell the truth from the lies. Because the lies became his truth.

Paige leaned her head back against the wall, angry tears streaming down her face.

Mike was alive and he wanted to see her, but she was afraid to see him. Afraid to open that door and face him. Afraid he didn't really want to see her and her roommates thought they were helping things by lying about him asking for her. Because what if he didn't want to see her? And even if he did, she didn't know what to say.


	2. Don't You Run Away

Mike threw his pen across the room and slammed his journal shut, frustrated he couldn't understand the meaning of everything. Everything was in flashes. Colors. Broken memories. There had to be a reason why he came back to life. There had to be some purpose.

He died. For six minutes he was dead and everything changed. He had been given a second chance. To try and right his wrongs. Fix his mistakes. He couldn't begin to count how many mistakes he had made since returning to Graceland. But now he understood how much his actions hurt Paige and he wanted to fix things. If he was being honest with himself, things ended between them months ago, long before she sent Sid after him. Part of him was always going to love her, because when he looked at her, he couldn't help but remember that first night he saw her. But he didn't know what she thought when she looked at him. If she hated him. And even if she did, he still wanted to fix things for her. They both needed to find a way to move forward and put everything behind them. Find someway to forgive each other.

Which was why he needed to see Paige. He knew Paige better than he knew anyone. Mike had known the truth about what happened Lena would devastate her and end any chance of them being together, but he did it anyway. He also knew why she was avoiding him.

Paige thought he hated her. And maybe he should. But they had both done terrible things to each other. Hurt each other again and again. He knew how she felt. Making a mistake she couldn't take back. Feeling alone and carrying the weight of that secret was killing her. She once accused him of being lost and maybe he had been. But how he felt last summer was _nothing_ compared to how he felt this summer. He felt alone. Like a failure. Then he died and suddenly he had a chance to try and fix some of the many mistakes he made.

Mike needed to look Paige in the eyes and let her know he forgave her. Let that truth sink in for her and hope it would be enough to pull her out of the darkness, before she drowned in guilt and her determination to catch Sid got her killed.

Paige wouldn't see him, but it hadn't stopped him from asking about her. His roommates were holding something back, but he knew them well enough to read between the lines. Paige was depressed. Moody. Distancing herself from everyone as she desperately tried to find a way to catch Sid, which was why he wanted Briggs in charge. As far as Sid knew, Briggs didn't know his cover had been blown, they could use that. Paige broke her cover the moment she went to Sid. It was too dangerous. She could wind up getting herself killed, which was exactly what he was afraid of.

Mike's eyes darted towards the door, carefully watching the shadows along the bottom of the door. Something was off. Someone was outside of his room. His heart started racing and his finger hovered over the call button, wishing he had his gun with him. Apparently to hide in plain sight, meant he couldn't hide at all and he was unprotected and no one would give him a gun. As long as Sid believed he was dead, he was supposedly safe.

He felt so trapped in this room. He had been here for days, cut off from the outside world, except for his roommates. They all stopped by to visit, with the exception of the one he needed to see. It was just like before. He got hurt and told Paige something he wasn't supposed tell her. He hadn't even realized what he said until Sid revealed to him that Paige was the one that gave him up, then everything started to make sense. He didn't even have time to fully register what that meant, before Sid was cutting off his oxygen supply.

The shadow went away and Mike relaxed. It must've been someone's family member searching for their hospital room. A few seconds passed and he noticed another shadow. But within seconds it was gone. He kept staring at the door, waiting for someone to enter but each time the shadow slowed down, it kept moving, but the speed was the same and it kept moving from left to right, then right to left and back again. It was if someone was pacing outside his door, unsure if they should enter.

Paige.

Mike carefully climbed out of bed, grimacing in pain. He gritted his teeth, breathing slowly as he waited for the pain to pass. He leaned against the bed, counting to ten, until finally the pain subsided. He groaned in agony and took a few deep breaths and looked longingly at his morphine drip. As badly as he wanted more morphine, he didn't want to have this conversation with Paige while he was out of it. Resting his hand over his stomach, he dragged his IV behind him as he slowly he made his way to the door.

Mike opened the door, expecting to see Paige only to see a few nurses walking down the hall Mike looked around the hall, his heart sinking once he realized Paige wasn't there. He _knew_ Paige had been here. What other person would've paced outside his door, unable to enter? Defeated, Mike stepped back into his room and closed the door behind him and shuffled back to his bed. The brief physical activity exhausted him and his stomach was throbbing in pain. It took more effort than it should've, but he managed to get himself back in bed without aggravating his injury or needing to call for help. A shot of pain flashed through his stomach and as the seconds went by, he found himself reaching for the button of his morphine drip.


End file.
